The first time I had to deal with death and funeral

I was 15. It was my then-boyfriend's brother who passed away. Tragically, if I might add. I received the news (cant remember from who, and how) the morning after the accident. He (the then-bf) was nowhere to be found during morning school ceremony. I asked around, and I think someone told me the news, or something like that. His brother was involved in an accident. I just stood there, dumbfounded. I didnt know how to react, or say. Even worse, when I got home, I didnt even call him. I did tried once. But I hung up. I didnt go to the tahlil, even though I wanted to, so badly. I was 15. But he was 15 too.

The ex-bf, lets call him Mr K, didnt say a word to me for a long time. I couldnt remember for how long, but I remember it was a painful silence. The only words I said to him, when he was back in school was, "Mr K, takziah." He just looked at me, and left. The worst part was, it was during PMR. And I said that to him on the first day of the first paper, in the exam hall. He would stare out of the window for a long time during examination. And all I did was nothing.

Did I cry? No, I didnt. Did I feel sad? I guess so. But not sad enough. Do I care? Yes, a whole lot. I just didnt know what to do. I even consult my dad the night I heard the news, on what do people do, to deal with death, etc. But I didnt do anything.

It was until PMR, and after school terms was over, when I realized I was sooo stupid and heartless. I approached him a few times, but of course was ignored. Until one night, when his class had BBQ party, and I was invited by my friend (thank God they're in the same class) so that I could have the chance to approach him again. And I took the chance. We talked after that, and I told him how sorry I was, and I cried. And that's when he told me what happened, the whole story of the accident, and everything else. And how he felt when I was not there for him. He was waiting for my call, or my appearance to the tahlil, and was very disappointed when I didnt call or show up.

After we made amend, I asked him if I can visit the grave. And he told me he will take me there. But he never did. We never made it. He left to another school, and we just fell apart. And we let it be.

Everytime I drive passed the graveyard his brother was burried, I always made prayers, and 'doa' for arwah. I never forget. I dont know which one is his grave, so the only thing I could do is to recite Al Fatihah and doa, whenever I passed it.

To Mr K, Im sorry for the pain I have caused you, and the pain you had to deal with in your life. Im sorry I was not there when you needed me most. I wish you all the best in life, and may you lead a happy, and better life, wherever you are.

The second was when I was 18 if Im not mistaken. I was a bit mature, so I understood more. If some of you could remember, it wasa few weeks before Permata. It was announced in the hall by Mr Rahim, or Uncle Rahim. The cousin, arwah Abang passed away, in his early 30s. He left behind his wife, 1 yr old son, and his wife was a few weeks pregnant, and Im not really sure until now whether arwah knew about the pregnancy or not. It was a sad loss, for arwah Abang was so loved by the family. Not just his immediate family, but to the extended too. He was like a brother I never have. I always enjoyed his company, whenever I had sleep over at his house. Alhamdulillah he left in peace, in his sleep. But what saddens most was he passed away in another country, while on holiday with his family, including my aunt and uncle, and his siblings. It was the most tragic holiday they had to deal with.

His funeral was the first I ever experienced. It was attended by hundreds of people. And my mom said she heard the gravedigger said, the funeral was the biggest he had ever seen. That's how much arwah was loved. Everyone was there to pay their last respect. And I was there, sitting on a tikar, holding my cousin's hand.

Al Fatihah to arwah Abang.

As I grew up, Ive known friends who've lost their mother, father, sister or brother, and I tried to be there as much as I can for them. I dont know how exactly it felt like to loose someone you love forever, but I know someday I will. Everyone will. And Im afraid.

For all of you who had to deal with death, be it family, friend, or loved ones... be strong.

Let us recite Al Fatihah together for all the people that we have lost.