Of hope and faith

I have a story.

Some may know, some may not. Ive been waiting to write about this for a while. And so...

30 January 2010

This day, I found out that Im pregnant.

It was the second test I did that month, the first was a week before, but it was negative. I was a bit frustrated because I didnt get my menses since December, so I was pretty sure I might be pregnant since I never miss my menses.

Finally, on Saturday I did another test on hubby's request. I was so nervous to see the result, I asked hubby to wait in the living room, and not follow me into the bedroom. So I waited a while, nervous and nearly in tears. I dont know why but I had my hopes quite high that day because Ive noticed some changes with my body. And then I looked.




Alhamdulillah. When I saw the two lines, I was just speechless. I starred at it for a while, forgetting that hubby was waiting outside nervously (I hope). I smiled, just for a second, and then tears started flowing. It was a very, very happy cry. I was planning to come out with a big smile, and jumping up and down (Ive always imagine what Id do when this time comes), but all I could do was cry and cry, walking out from the bedroom to the living room. Hubby immediately stood up and looked at me, surprised and nervous because I was crying. Actually sobbing was the exact word. He asked, "Kenapa? Ok ke tak?", and I just showed him the pregnancy test stick without any word, just crying and sobbing. I knew he didnt know how to read it, it took him a while, and suddenly he just grabbed me and hugged me so tightly without saying anything. And I started crying out loud again. It was a very happy day for the both of us.

1 February 2010

It was our first appointment with the doctor. Just to have a confirmation from him. We've been anxious since last Saturday because all the clinics were closed, and so we had to wait. I showed the doctor the test stick, and the doctor smiled. He said, if its positive, its positive. But I did another urine test just to be sure, and also a blood test. After the appointment, we started talking about baby stuff already. Excited parents-to-be we were.

13 February 2010

Our first antenatal ultrasound appointment. We had to wait for another week after the first dr's appointment because the urine test showed my hcG level is still low, meaning im still early in my pregnancy, about 3-4 weeks. So the doctor asked us to wait for another week for the ultrasound. We went on Saturday because hubby had to work. All radiology are closed at 5pm every weekday. Boring jugak benda-benda macam ni. Kalau kat Malaysia, malam pun bukak lagi. I was practically skipping all the way because I was excited. When I finally was in the room, the nurse put some cold gel on my full-bladder belly, (rasa nk terkucil je bila dia tekan-tekan). And then I saw it. Subhanallah. I was speechless and in awe when I saw the gestational sac. It was still small, just at 5 weeks. When I saw the sac, I feel so blessed, because finally I get to experience it. It is in me, growing.



A week after the scan, we went to see my doctor again to get full results from the scan, and also from the blood test. The doctor was happy to see me, and gave me positive results. My blood test showed me Im a healthy person, alhamdulillah, and the sac is in the right position. So everything is normal.

And then we scheduled for another ultrasound, at 8 weeks to see the fetus, and heartbeat.



4 March 2010

It was Thursday, we couldnt get an appointment on Saturday like we wanted. Initially hubby asked me to go alone, because he couldnt get out from work. But after some pujuk-memujuk session, and a "Tanak tgk baby ke?" line, he agreed. So I picked him up from his office around 12pm and went to the radiology.

We had to wait for a while, and then it was our turn. The nurse was pretty quiet while doing the scanning, and then we saw the sac. It was a little bit peculiar because the sac was empty. I've already studied week by week of the fetal development, and it did not look like it was supposed to. There was no fetus in the sac, and I was pretty sure the was no heartbeat as well. I wasnt very sure if the nurse turned on the volume of the ultrasound, but it was very quiet. I was so nervous, and I kept looking at hubby with a worried look. The nurse asked me if I had any bleeding or any pain at all before this. I told her I had none. I asked her if there was something wrong, but she just smiled and said, "Dont worry. We know nothing for sure yet." And at that time I knew something was wrong. She asked us if it is okay to do a transvaginal ultrasound to have a clearer image. We agreed and signed a paper. But somehow there was no doctor around so they can't proceed, and asked us to go to another branch.

We rushed to Willeton, about 20mins drive and had to wait for another half hour for the doctor. I was already crying the whole time because I knew it was bad news. And then it was it. The transvaginal ultrasound wasnt as scary as it sounds, but the images that we saw was the same as before. Empty sac, no fetus whatsoever and of course, no heartbeat. The doctor explained for a while, and what I heard was "it was a failure. An early pregnancy failure", "you will hemorrhage soon" and "Im very sorry". It happened so quickly and so unexpectedly. I was shocked. I managed a smile to the doctor and the nurse (which was kind, and said she was sorry too), cleaned up, paid the bill and got into the car. I just stared out the window the whole journey home, crying in silent. Hubby didnt know what else to say, and just hold my hands.

Everything happened so fast, I actually wondered if I was in a dream. I slept a lot for a few days after that, waking up, trying to remember, and thinking if it was real. Or maybe I just had a bad dream. And when reality hits me, Id cry myself to sleep again.

It's called blighted ovum, or in a much simpler words, early pregnancy failure. Nothing much to explain there. Apparently it is quite normal, and we nor I did nothing wrong throughout the pregnancy that would have caused it. It just happened. Things do happen. All for the right reasons. Allah have better plans for us, everyone told us over and over again. And I believe them. Id be lying if I say Im perfectly okay now. I still do cry at times when I remembered. Whenever I see myself in the mirror, and touching my belly, I have this feeling of emptiness. Something WAS there. A possible of a new life. But it didnt happen, not quite yet.

So here I am, accepting all the things that has happened, keeping faith in me, Insyallah my time will definately come. May my prayers be answered some day.